Should I stay or should I go? Lessons in letting myself be.

I couldn’t make it. The force of hesitation (or exhaustion?) was too strong.

Go to the event where I could potentially make friends? Go to the film that might spark something in me? Or stay at home?

The home where I was at all day. Working. Working out. Eating. Sleeping. Sweating. Burping.

The effort it takes to get out of the house is, on some days, incredibly difficult. I expend so much mental energy thinking about where I should go post-work.

Some aspects of working from home are getting to me. Maybe it’s partly that my entire life is self-contained in my studio apartment, however gorgeously designed I’ve made it.

My food, cat, dining room, living room, bed, shower and toilet, stove and dishwasher. It’s my place of rest and where I workout, with help from my virtual personal trainer. It’s where I have conference calls, make a living, bake cakes, and have sex.

The truth is I feel tired today. My legs wobbly from my newish exercise routine. My head a bit woozy from maybe not eating enough calories. Maybe it’s as simple as that. There isn’t a larger existential dilemma at play.

I’m simply worn out. I explore a lot on weekends and am active during the week, working out Monday through Saturday. I play tennis with a good friend and often see at least one or two films at the theatre (heartbreak feels good in a place like this).

Not going to that event tonight or even to the movie might be exactly what I need. To have some downtime. Get a pint of ice cream. Watch a movie at home or read the Sunday New York Times that I get on the weekly.

I am proud of myself for not forcing. So often, and it’s apparent in my workout routine, that I push forward, even when my body says otherwise. I felt it today as I pushed through 40 minutes of cycling, even though my right knee was creaking and right foot ached.

There’s a tendency to be relentless with myself. A lack of graciousness. A perfect topic to explore with my therapist. Forcing isn’t a good look. It doesn’t feel good, and I’ll ultimately pay for it at some point.

Maybe the best thing I need right now is to let myself be still and remain in the self-contained, albeit cute, bunker I’ve created for myself. ▪️

Originally published at https://joshhersh.com on April 26, 2023.